Editorial: We Are Not Amused
By Media Matters President, JOHN TERRIS
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
The New Year's honours list always provides a bit of a lift during the holidays. Various worthies declare themselves every year as being either staggered, astounded or amazed that they have been chosen. This is curious, given the fact that they have agreed in writing some months prior, to accept the honour if or when it is offered. Understandably, the Palace does not take kindly to some Charlie deciding to reject the honour offered, in a fit of equalitarianism.
I miss the old honours list, I have to admit, with its ancient and royal associations "CMG" (or Companion of the Order of St Michael and St George, referred to by wags as "Call Me God"), the first in a series of honours which in time past used to elevate its holders progressively higher in terms of munificence, through KCMG or Knight Commander of the aforesaid order (also known as "Kindly Call Me God") right through to the very zenith of accolades, GCMG, this being the abbreviation pertaining to Grand Commander of the Order (or "God Calls Me God").
In their place has come a shower of much less impressive sounding honours, ONZM, CNZM, MNZM and so on, used to describe Officers, Companions and (least exalted) Members of the Order of NZ, which for those of us who are not republicans, sounds distressingly like the holder of a real estate agency (REINZ) or vehicle inspection franchise (VTNZ). How plebeian can you get?
So, now that the whole Royal Box of Tricks was set up by the Government of Jim Bolger, a Republican, who got hold of it, and purged it of all its royal and ancient associations, which was the whole point of the thing if there was one at all, I have, this year, decided to award my own list, which is a sort of Send-Up of a Send-Up.
So here goes:-
ONZM ("Only in New Zealand Mayhem" Award) accorded to all of our parliamentarians in recognition of their extraordinary stupidity. When faced with the challenge of the Sale of Liquor Reform Bill in April of the year just past, they ignored the massive cost and damage to families arising from our binge drinking culture, and decided to continue the practice of selling cheap booze to kids.
QSO ("Queer Street Obsessives" Award) to the same bunch of wallies, half of whom don't even have to answer to anybody except their own parties, who set aside valuable parliamentary debating time, which could have been devoted to the major problems of our time, like child poverty, youth suicide and family violence, instead debating with each other at endless length, what they apparently see as the Great Issue of the Century, whether or not women should be allowed to marry women.
QSM ("Quietly Sexy Mayor") which obviously goes to Mayor Len Brown of Auckland, who single-handedly proved that Local Government could be made to be quite exciting if you chuck in a bit of added testosterone, and also proved that what goes on in the Ngati Whatua Room at the Auckland City Council, does not, necessarily, stay in the Ngati Whatua Room.
But enough of all this political stuff. What about an award of MBE ("Metrosexual Billionaire Extraordinaire"), to Kim Dotcom, who has managed to persuade the people of New Zealand that he is a harmless eccentric, not an International Internet Fraudster (which is the view of the Justice Department of the government and people of the United States of America).
We need some media awards too. How about a DNZM ("Desperate NZ Mediaperson") - red-hot competition for this one, but the accolade must surely go to Paul Henry, who was sent back home in disgrace from Aussie, whose people are notoriously unshockable, but who apparently found his banter altogether too much.
And let's not forget Jim Hickey, who has surely earned an MNZM ("Manic NZ Meteorologist") who, in pursuit of a completely new art form, (that is to say weather-forecasting-as-stand-up-comedy), has succeeded only in making himself completely incoherent to the ordinary television viewer on the subject of tomorrow's forecast.
And finally, the ultimate accolade, KNZM, must surely go to the "Key NZ Moment of the Year", which was when the Prime Minister forgot to remember where he was during the 1981 Springbok Tour. Close runner up has got to be his daughter Steffie, who almost out-starred Dad by going on line wearing nothing but a fruit salad.
As Queen Victoria used to say, "We Are Not Amused".
John Terris is National President for Media Matters in NZ, and is a former Deputy Speaker, NZ House of Representatives.
